Where the players play... and get mugged

So basically, Atlanta is a really big, urban city.
That i would like to leave.

Sure, the Renaissance Hotel that i'm staying in and typing from is nice. But they lock everything up at 9 like it's going to get taken advantage of. "NO LOVE" a drunk local yells in the lobby behind me as he's escorted through the revolving door. I'm watching him smoke a cigarette outside through the giant window asking myself "why is he wearing a yellow hat, jacket, pants, and vest?" Obviously I will never know, but then again i'm fashionably challenged.

I want beer. I have one event left in my long diving career and I hate to say that i'm not looking forward to tower tomorrow...mostly because i'm not looking forward to the existence i'm "looking forward" to having without a regimented lifestyle of being a college-athlete. Sure i'll be assistant coach next year, but i still can't really say what i want to do with my life. And maybe i'll never know. But i know that right now, I want a beer. Patience, grasshopper.

The few things i've appreciated in this visit to the A-T-L is that i'm not the only person who has no idea what to do with themselves after diving/swimming is over. I've heard a ton of people expressing their fear of the-world-after-diving. Same boat as the rest of 'em, right? Which boat lands in paradise? (hint: not the boat i'm on)

So i envy the guy sitting next to me in my irish history class that has a graduation plan, that has a job, that knows what [career] or [profession] he wants to pursue. I don't feel like anything "important" is important to me. So will I be stuck with a "dead-end" job? Most likely. Will i still find ways to be happy? Yes. Easily. Will my personality restrict me from finding success in many types of jobs? Most likely... but i don't really care, because i know that even if i end up in an unhappy situation, i'll find a way to make light of it and when i can't... that's why god made stuffed animals.

So fuck all the bullshit.
I think i'm as ready as i'll ever be - plan or no plan.
Just give me a beer after tower tomorrow, plz.

SPOT-EYES

or The Ocular Leopard

I'm trying to think of a cool-sounding name for myself in case i turn into an evil supervillain. I'm also typing this post with my eyes closed.

I guess I should explain myself.

I woke up Saturday morning, took a shower, and then realized after getting out of the shower that my eyelids had adopted some red spots on them. These spots were very small, they looked like little pin-pricks, about 20 each eyelid. Needless to say i said "wtf" to myself in the mirror then saught confirmation through my cameraphone to make sure it saw the same dots i did. Lo and behold, i still have these little dots on my eyelids like some sort of freckles that pop up for NO REASON AT AGE 22. As ironic as it sounds, I find it easiest to blame videogames for this phenomena. Since i've borrowed Resident Evil 4 from Tony, i've been playing a lot of that, and then immediately playing call of duty 2 to calm my nerves. I seriously can't play RE4 for too long or else i get really anxious and my nerves are basically shot. But I noticed that I don't blink all that much while playing RE4. It's too scary to blink. Even when the game's paused and i'm reorganizing my inventory, i'm too scared to blink, thinking i'll miss a "dodge L1 + R1" prompt. (or a "dodge [] + X" prompt) The point is, i think i've played videogames till my eyes bled. Seriously. My eyes have been "sore" all day today even THINKING about playing a game.

So now now here i am looking at yet ANOTHER screen wishing i was just asleep. And instead of being in bed asleep, i'm wishing for some reason i never want to depend on anyone again. Like i'm stuck being unreliable. There's never anything i can do to avoid being an annoying lovesick little child.

But this post is mostly about be now figuring out what i'm going to DOOOOOOOO. Which is apparently what matters most. Not what i like, what i say, what i want. I keep running into this "do" idea. And it's scary.

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!

i've got the urge for herb(G,R,and Y)

Undeniable urge to write. I can't procure any thoughts exactly, but i know that it feels better trying to write it down rather than just trying to figure it out in my head. Speaking of my head i feel like my body is full of cottonballs. I'm not a sum of parts, bones, muscles, or organs, i'm just skin-wrapped-fluff. I could float off in a strong wind, or shrivel up after getting wet. My clothes don't fit right, my blankets can't keep me warm. I feel like my head is useless, like it's not doing anything productive. Imagination has ceased and routine controls everything. I can't even entertain myself. I don't like anything.

This sucks alot, and I hate reading it as much as i hate experiencing it in class trying to figure out why nothing inspires me anymore... instead of taking notes like i should. I'm not seeing anything, i'm not feeling anything other than loss and worthlessness. There is no future and the only thing worse than that is my past where i've made enough mistakes to screw up two people's lives. What happened to me? Wasn't i at one time optimistic? Wasn't i happy? Didn't i understand something??? What am i supposed to do now? Walk the earth in hopes of finding a meaning to life? Stop wasting my time doing all this bullshit schoolwork that i'm not learning anyway? OH NOOOOOO DON'T DO THAT! Because then all this work you've done would have been a waste of time!
Good point.
I'm wasting my time doing shit i don't want to do, feeling like shit doing it over and over again, and with any luck, turning into a bald, sweater-wearing, overweight walking, steaming, miserable peice of shit.
[prepare for blog name change...]
I am shit.

really hurting

i'm pretty sure i've hurt enough feelings today by being upset.
I don't want to hurt anybody anymore.
I'm just screwing everything up... which is what i feel like i did in the first place.
and i don't know what to do at all. but i don't think there's anything i CAN do... so that leaves me exactly... no options. which means i'm just supposed to sit with what i've got and be fucking depressed about it by myself.

but i'm sorry my moods are contagious.
i don't mean to do it, but i make other people feel like i feel.
happy > happy
miserable > miserable

and now i just feel like i'm harboring a lot of really bad moods for all of my friends and my anger with my current inability to handle breaking up with jessica... and seriously doubting my ability to love someone... and my future as a lonely, sad, disgusting, stupid individual.

there's no chance for me to win her back, especially since i've alienated her so far away from me i'll be lucky to ever have a normal conversation with her ever again.

"you just need time"

but what do i do in the meantime? continue making everyone i know feel like shit? keep feeling horrible about making jessica feel horrible? bore all of my friends to death by bringing up jessica every chance i get? ruin my apartment further by burning everything she's ever given me? start abusing myself in order to avoid the pain of thinking about how badly i've fucked up my situation?
more often than not, slamming my head into my brick wall seems like a very viable option.

nothing makes sense anymore
and nothing matters to me
nothing can make this better because there is no chance
and i feel too shitty to even try to change anything

but i guess i'm not at rock bottom yet. because if i were, then change would be easier.

I make an excellent point

Who's ready for another post where Jarman...
Audience: TALKS!
TO
HIM
SELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*applause and gameshow music*
Jarman: that's right study hall audience, you may have no idea what i'm typing right now, but if you could read this blog, YOU WOULD! So let's introduce our conversationalists...
Announcer: You may recognize him from his distinctive and wildly popular AIM screenname, or from his wicked xbox live reputation for being unsportsmanlike... or perhaps you're drinking a bottle of him right now! Everybody loves... PIIIIBBBBB!!!!!!!!
*WTF APPLAUSE*
Mr. Pibb: why thank you; no really, you're too kind. Thank you, yes, love you too... yes ok STFU!!!!!
*immediate silence*
Jarman: The Pibb demands respect, studyhall audience. Now for our second convo combatant... me!
*7 individual claps followed by a cough, 2 cricket chirps, and melancholy "oh, him"*
Announcer: yeah this was a big buildup but Evan was bored so he took the time, ok? ... OK??!!
*applause*
Announcer: that's right ho-bags. i go away now

Jar: I'm writing this mostly to let people know that i've been going through a lot of... what's the word... SHIT. I tend to go a little crazy and not realize what anything means and never follow through on anything and get incredibly depressed because i've let myself down. And i've let other people down... and that in itself makes me feel worse, so it cycles. Whatever causes this, it's an anxiety problem, and i've had it for a long time. I can remember being very young and lying in my bed at night and suddenly wanting attention. Pure and simple, that's what it was. I'd just lay in my bed and scream untill mom came to see what was wrong. Another instance is when I went to stay at my Uncle Dan's place across town from my Grandma's house. After we got over there I was inconsolably nervous and scared and just wanted to go back to grandma's. So i left dan's and walked back to grandma's in the middle of the night. I even hid from passing cars, thinking they were family members wanting to take me back to Dan's. I can't explain why i did these things. Obviously for attention, but that seems so trifle and pointless... and shallow... and annoying. I'm not annoying, am i?
Pibb: yeah you are
but not ALL the time
well, most of the time you're pretty funny. but then you sometimes try to be funny and fail, and then you just kinda fall into this unfunny stupid pit of look-at-me antics. And that's not funny, fun, or even fuh.
Right, like there's a point where i just reach out desperately for attention all the time.
... and when you don't get it, you get self-conscious. and then you don't like yourself, and then you question everything, doubt, freak out, lose everything, and turn into a giant waste of space
back off, jerkface
afraid of truth? or are you just afraid of everything? try something new for a change, you self-indulgent, impulsive minded, memory of a person.
hey wait a minute, this is my blog. Now let's tone it down here.
do what you want
I will. I'm trying. I'm trying to figure out what i want, which basically means i have to define myself. One way or another, i've lost grip on what matters to me, what i want, what i need, and what i can and can't do. I am diving my ass off right now and losing control over everything else. Like shark. Who i cannot respect enough for caring about me even though i'm constantly pushing her away... which sucks for both of us.
yeah no kidding. what were you thinking, trying to avoid her like that? trying to escape from something? from what? questions? criticism? anger? pain?
QUESTIONS. THOSE QUESTIONS. The ones i ask myself the ones she asks me for pointless things, the ones i get asked by friends, the ones i ask my friends as to what i should do to get her back to get her to forgive me to get her to believe me that i care, to get her to trust me to get her to see me. i can't answer any questions at all. i can't prove anything and i can't show anything other than pain and self-pity. i'm a pile of shit and the relationship jessica and i had is now CRAP because of me. i couldn't do anything for myself, which means i could do even less for her, and she doesn't deserve that
nobody deserves that.
But now i can't stand the fact that there will never be a chance for us to be together again.
tough toenails
Hey! screw you and your stupid interjections!
she's the one that deserves what's best, right? so who are you to say what the best for her is anyway? she is going to make up her mind in the end, and you can't stop her from saying "no" to every advance you make. a good ass kicking would help you out, maybe knock some sense into you.. or maybe you should just give her flowers, or fucking WRITE HER AT CAMP, or BUY HER A FUCKING PRESENT ON VALENTINE'S DAY, OR CHRISTMAS, OR HER BIRTHDAY, OR ANYTHING! DO SOMETHING! STOP JUST EXPECTING HER TO LOVE YOU FOREVER AND MAKE HER FEEL GOOD FOR ONCE!
AND WHAT IF I DON'T FEEL GOOD ABOUT ANYTHING? WHAT IF I'M AFRAID OF BUYING FLOWERS AND TOO PARANOID TO WRITE A LETTER OR (big surprise) TOO DEPRESSED TO WANT TO DO ANYTHING?????????

part of me says let go
leave
dump
abstain
avoid
declare unfit for relationship status
since xmas this hasn't been a relationship at all - this has been a journey from something very very nice to something very confusing, something hard, something pathetic, and something that overall makes us both feel like we shouldn't waste our time with (the unspoken) "someone like JESSICA", or "someone like EVAN". There is no waste of time if we make it worth our time... and that's where i've failed. I haven't made anything worth anyone's time lately. I am just letting everything happen, and that doesn't work without my interaction as well.

The other part of me wants so much for me to be better. To find what i've lost, to decide what i'm looking for, and then to find Jessica and hug her with every inch of myself and breathe out feeling honest and strong like I used to.

[just writing this out makes my heart swell, and whips the tingling wave up my spine like i'm inhaling artic air... this sensation has been dormant for a long time, i'm noticing.]

A butterfly flaps it's wings and blows air around the whole world
for every letter i type on this page, a tree grows a leaf on a branch
it's always spring somewhere
I'm screwing something up constantly. But for every mistake, i learn a lesson.
Wisdom comes from pain

B A L A N C E

------- is -------

A C T I O N

I can do anything.

and that's what it means when i say

I AM JARMAN.

Starting over

as if i've had amnesia... or some other redeemable event.
Speaking of events, confirm my event for Zone Diving meet this weekend on facebook, if you're a facebooker. Friday-Sunday i'll be diving. Support is appreciated. Gifts are also welcome... as long as it's food.

Overwrite save file?
yes/no
no, are you sure?
yes/no

Begin new save file?
yes/no

Such a nerd.

lovesick