time to write

It all comes down to what you can't do.
In the end, you can't stay here. You've got to go somewhere but what's telling you you CAN? Nothing. The only sure thing is a "No, it's over", or a "You've been right about that one thing you've been sure of since you were born." This is to say that someone can lead an entire life consumed and swayed and directed by a singular idea or wisdom or thesis. At what point does someone's life begin predicting itself? Should there be a time that a parent releases the reigns of their children to a world where they themselves have already lost so much? Would they rather keep their firm grip on the offspring's throat and delay the despair of actualization? They don't have a choice. Because it isn't a decision they've made, it's a determination of code, of substance, of blood. Would a parent prefer to lie to their children about the existence of God for the rest of their child's life? Or is that something that a parent just can't do?

Retarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrded

In music it means to slow down.

I have felt worn down by this whole week. It's felt like a day but has instead been 4. EB Games has basically grabbed me by the head of my dick and drug me around telling me when to be at work only a day or two ahead of time and then expecting me to have nothing else to do. I filled out an availability worksheet. They know when to NOT schedule me. So since i've been showing up late i'm glad to tell the manager that i've been training with that there is NOTHING i can do if this is going to be par for the course. I've also told him that this job is my highest priority right now and that I didn't accept this job to show up late for it. HOWEVER, I'm sick of working so much; all this may all be temporary and scheduling might never be a problem again. Ugh. Groan. Imo's pizza is delicious. Real strips of bacon.

Been playing lots of Halo 3 and the Orange Box lately. It's been good... great, actually. Few people understand the way I play games and I suppose I do "rate" them, but Portal has exceeded every expectation. Not only did I expect something good from this puzzle game... but it's just impossibly CHARMING. I love the interaction that is so intentional, so simple, and playful just by being -simple-. Complete love for this game. Team Fortress 2 is again, it's own amazing island of fun. Beyond the gorgeous look of the game, the player relies on their teammates without trying to. Which is a predictable outcome but executed over and over in online matches that make the game feel so so so smart.
And I haven't even played Half-Life 2 yet.

EB Games (Gamestop) is great but there's lots of "boost our numbers" stuff going on in the background. I really wish it were just about customer satisfaction because I can get somebody's perspective easily and really want them to have a good time playing whatever they pick up or don't so I could literally care LESS if they pick up a subscription to Game Informer because that magazine is OWNED BY GAMESTOP. It's like watching a plant make its own sunlight. It will work out, i'm a good worker and am always willing to take tips from the other guys working.

I now coach SLU's diving team. (St. Louis University) The divers are easily the best part of coaching, but the drive is AWFUL. Down 40 which is under construction and into the hearty fringe of downtown. I will only have to coach Tues/Thurs and occasional weekends at the recplex when Greg is out of town. I think he has an understanding of where i'm at right now and how i'm kind of skeptical on coaching. He was even trying to give me advice on what to do with myself after college. (It was a kind gesture from him, but i'm not ready to start the rest of my life yet I don't think) Oh, and the swim coach reminds me of John Malkovich. Sweet, eh?

In correlation to not knowing what to do with myself, I feel much better interacting with other people. Somehow losing a line of sight to my future has given me an empathy boost or something. I feel so in tune with friends and new friends and other friends and basically feel like everybody is a friend I haven't met yet (thx: Simpsons). This "piece of the ME puzzle" might work out for me in the end but we'll see. I'm still likely to fuck something up and end up a bum in the gutter begging for booze money. Old English, here I come!

Halloween is here. Lee and I are dressing up as the Blues Brothers and going to Columbia for the swimming and diving party. Rodort is even tagging along this time! I think he's dressing up with steff and sara and ryan as "music genres". He's disco. The Halloween party has always been my favorite party of the year on the team and I just hope everybody stays safe and invites as many people as possible.

VENTABIGUOUS TIME!
(do not try to understand this part if you're reading)
I don't know how to tell anyone, I feel like it only makes sense to me. The more i think about it, the stronger the sensation is to do something stupid, aka - dangerous and thoughtless. But that's just the thing - I've put a lot of thought into this. Could I put more thought into it? Yes! So I will. I think that's good enough advice for me from myself so i'm sticking to it. Opportunity knocking is hard to hear but i'm still listening.

Ok
That's it.
I'm really tired from a long long day of doing everything.
I haven't had such a busy day since SCHOOL. Which is why I have silver hair.
Robert is awesome.
Leeman turned 21 today.
And I miss my siblings.