i just filled the screen with an entire post of everything i had been thinking about over the last few days. After reading it, i noticed that if i had posted what i just wrote, it would scare many of you. So instead of ironing out the wrinkles in my brain so you can read between the lines, i'll leave you with this: My life has blended my reality and fantasy so closely together that i can no longer tell if i'm fantasizing, dreaming, have a nightmare, seeing things for real, imagining things, or even really experiencing the world around me as i naturally should...It's as if my consiousness is diluting into my daydreams. I can't concentrate because i feel myself slipping into a dream-like state. I have no control over where my mind wanders.

I no longer have my feet on the ground.

A Dream within a Dream

Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow -
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if Hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden san -
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep - while i weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?

-Edgar Allen Poe

My favorite poem ever. And by one of my favorite writers EVER. Mars is really red tonight....like amazingly red.

flarben

greg (coach) tells us today that we are going to orlando for our winter training trip again, which means i'll be spending $400 this winter on that crap. I'm not happy about that at all, and i can't really change it, so it doesn't matter. It's one of those things that is really cool, cuz we get a free day at universal studios, but good greif it costs alot to eat down there. I really don't want to spend that much money again.....i'm not whining, am i? well if i am and you don't like it, just smear peanut butter all over your monitor so you can't read my blog anymore. (i know, i know, i am full of good ideas) My head hurts like never before. It's like i'm corrupting my brain by thinking about bad things, like my thoughts are diseasing my own mind. ew, that's kinda sick.

poop

i feel horrible

i need something else

i need a scooter maybe

no, not that, maybe drugs and alchohol

no, not that either

better grades, that'd help....good idea mom

i need...too much?

FUCK YOU MOM

so i called mom today to ask her about maybe sending some cash my way to help my purchase one of these scooters, maybe as a birthday present or something. But no of course not. WHY NOT? Because apparently i haven't earned the right to choose what i want to recieve as a gift. And i haven't shown my parents enough initiative towards school, and maybe because i have no direction in my life right now and maybe wish i could have SOMETHING to maybe give me a good feeling. Kinda like how i used to feel in high school when i had friends.
I was on the phone for 15 minutes, and told myself that i wasn't going to get angry, and that i would remain calm and not get mad at her for asking too many questions. But that didn't happen. No way. There is no way that she is ever going to get out of my life. I love her and all, but good god she pisses me off. Fone calls from her are the reason i punch holes in the wall. SHe is the reason that i haven't felt good about myself all summer. She is the reason that i can't sit in bed at night and think of a better day tomorrow. It feels like i'm bleeding. I'm literally cryign my eyes out because i don't want to hate somebody who has helped me so much in my life.... but i hate talking to her sometimes. There's nothing i hate more in the world than when she calls. Why can't she just care about me and not CONTROL ME. "i only want the best for you" mom, the best thing for me right now is to make decisions of my own, so back the hell off.

oh holy scooter

VIUBASOIFUHSDFKUIJHASFD

JUST CLICK THE LINK!!! i know the last link didn't work...BUT CLICK ON THIS ONE ANYWAY! BECAUSE THESE ARE INSANELY LOW PRICES FOR SCOOTERS THAT NICE!!!!!!!!! OH HOLY MOLY!!!!!!!!

school starts tomorrow...and i'm not ready. Is that a bad sign? Anyway, wish me luck, concentration, and even more luck. Goodbye summer...it was a good one.

wee!

wee! Dr. Phizz, wee! the fridge i got it from, wee! the kitchen the fridge was in, wee! the room over the kitchen (which is my room), and WEE! I GET A ROOM TO MYSELF AGAIN!!! oh man it's so awesome coming home and knowing that there is a bed in YOUR ROOM, with...*gasp*...a door, that you can close. It's lovely. Having spent an entire year in a dorm last year, or sharing a room with The Vick in STL, i noticed that having my own room is going to take some getting used to again, such as: leaving my crap everywhere, leaving my crap in the cd player, closing the door when i want privacy, sleeping in a bed without being close proximity with another MALE human being. (note: having a FEMALE human lying nearby would be greatly appreciated) But there is a huge piece of mind living in a place off campus. It's a great responsibility, and requires time, resources, effort, management skills, and especially negotiating skills when living with your older brother. But i like it. I'm hoping maybe to get a Vespa scooter. It would be small and ceaper than a car, and could get me to campus easily and quickly. And i'd look sooper cool too 8-). For reference on how reliable these little machines are, here is a picture of a Vespa saving a young lady from a river. hehe

And now a quote from one of my favorite movies, that i stole from Chris's away message...the quote, might i add, is correct word for word.

"Man, I see in fight club the strongest and smartest men who have ever lived. I see all this potential -- God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas and waiting tables; they're slaves with white collars. Advertisements have them chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit they don't need. We are the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no great war, or great depression. Our great war is a spiritual war. Our great depression is our lives. We've all been raised by television to believe that one day we'll all be millionaires and movie gods and rock stars -- but we won't. And we're learning slowly that fact. And we're very, very pissed off."
-Brad Pitt as Tyler Durden

crazy...for a girl like you

Welcome to my little world. This little world exists for me. This is one of the few places where i get out my true thoughts...almost as if my thoughts don't exist untill i post about them. Yet it's strange that sometimes i sit down to post and have nothing to write yet again...peculiar. But it really doesn't feel like a true idea or thought untill i blog it. I could have a dream, forget about it, then remember it later, blog about it, forget about it again, then read my blog and say "who the hell had that dream?"...which is weird, because you'd think that i would notice that the dream that i had written about was a dream that i wanted to remember, and therefore had a memory of...but.............i have no idea what dream i wrote about.

Hello everyone. This is what happens when i have nothing to write about. I end up writing about a bunch of freaky intrusive-looking stuff about how i am the most UNIQUE person ever in the history of blogs...or whatever. But hey, it's cool how i end up writing all this crap and most of you read it anyway. :D It's really nice to hear "hey i read your online journal or whatever. it's cool." i really appreciate that.

It's back to school, and that means back to SUFFERING! yarg. um....peanut butter = good

INTERNET!

No IM and no blog make Jarman go crazy. No IM and no blog make Jarman go crazy. No IM and no blog make Jarman go crazy. No IM and no blog make Jarman go crazy. No IM and no blog make Jarman go crazy. No IM and no blog make Jarman go crazy. No IM and no blog make Jarman go crazy. No IM and no blog make Jarman go crazy. No IM and no blog make Jarman go crazy. No IM and no blog make Jarman go crazy. No IM and no blog make Jarman go crazy. No IM and no blog make Jarman go crazy. No IM and no blog make Jarman go crazy. No IM and no blog make Jarman go crazy. No IM and no blog make Jarman go crazy. No IM and no blog make Jarman go crazy. No IM and no blog make Jarman go crazy. No IM and no blog make Jarman go crazy.

Holy crap I hate not having a computer. I suppose i'll be getting one soon, but i'll let details go as they come in. But yeah, our house's comp has been retarded to a point where our "windows has become corrupted". So dad will be buying XP, and i will be going to college. Monday The Vick and I leave for mizzou to continue our education in the world of...the world. We are living in a town house condo apartment-type thing and it's gunna be really neet-o...super spiffy...and cool. However it's going to take a bunch of money to continue living there, so i'll be working in the columbia area this year as well. More money, less sanity.

Lastly, I no longer have my super-curly-super-nasty-super-annoying-long-poofy-FRAN-fro hair. I got my hairs cut by a stylist and it looks good too...that's what the ladies say ;D The girlies look at me and say "ohmygoodness, Evan...your hair, it make me want to rip your clothes off and run my hands all over your body." And i say "no ladies, you may look, butnotouch." and the ladies stare of course and i enjoy it. But it is good. I shall post sometime soon in the near-like future to let you know how things are doing.

Hi Evan!

Prepare yourselves for a lot of stuff to read...

I have a friend named Omar. Omar has been struggling with a situation that was very similar to mine. Last night he finally got over this dillema, and can be his usual happy self. Sometimes I would wonder how he put himself in that position, but then i noticed that it wasn't his fault at all. Thank GOD that he has gotten through this hell. He's one of those people that makes the world a better place. (you may barf now) i know that sounds cheesy, but he makes me a better person for just trying his best in everything he does. He inspires me. I'm so glad to see him happy again.

Me and pop sat down the other night to talk about my lack of interest in school. I failed my summer school class. If i were to recieve a letter grade, it should have been a G. Not an F, a G. That's how bad i failed it. It doesn't count against my GPA, so don't worry about me being eligible to dive or anything. But anyway, dad and i had a talk about how if i'm not going to be interested in college, then he won't bother sending me back TO college. That is a very good point that i cannot deny. But college is fun, and i love to dive in college, so i want to keep doing that. But i agree, if i'm not going to college to get a degree or "train my mind for the rest of my life" as dad says, then there's no point in me being there. But i really don't see how i'm going to live a happy life without going to college and acheiving something. So basically, this year of school is going to be make or break for me. I'm either going to get interested in a field of study like voice acting (that sounds like too much fun) or something else that i'm good at....OR....i'm going to quit college and start working full time.

I'm super ultra awesome mega supremely stoked psyched and ready to live off campus next year. WOOHOO! bring on the responsibility. I'm also getting a job so i can pay for things like food...water...and MORE VIDEO GAMES! hehehe. We have a futon, a TV, a VCR!, and a frying pan. I know we need a few more essentials or whatever, but it's gunna be badass no matter what. But if anybody feels like helping me and the Vick out, send money...lots of money...then more money and food. =D

Now everybody go see how happy Omar is -> OMARAT-SAN!

lovely tuesday night

ok, so last post i had a title that said "I HAVE TITLES NOW, WOOHOO!" but none of my 3 blog readers saw it. So it would seem that i can see the title in the posting screen, but not on the actual blog. SO, that means that the titles are completely worthless. drat. Anywho, i'm watchin' anime with Weel, and reading my monthly edition of Electronic Gaming Monthly, and also talking online to various friends who i enjoy talking to.

And there is a fly in our computer room.

We have swatted it, come close to swatting it, and given it many dirty looks. AND YET IT LIVES ON! I curse any insect that ever intrudes on human space. May they all be damned to the pit where they came from...be it dumpster or swamp. yarg. I felt really good today. No class to wake up for, just diving, then warcraft, then anime and magazine, then talking to buddies, then a pleasant sleep in a freshly made bed. LIFE IS GOOT. I don't need reality to tell me otherwise for the moment so let me escape into my little video games for an hour or two and think of nothing else.

(pibbnote: for those of you looking for a "real" post start making a few of your own, cuz i need inspiration too, ya know?)

SWEET I HAVE TITLES NOW!

um...the title says it all.

Remember July 28th's post? How i said there was something that was so horrible and it was the worst possible thing ever in the world? Well i remembered what it was...Someone...i don't know who, but somebody deleted my entire collection of They Might Be Giants songs. All of them. This was no accident and i plan on punishing whoever did this to me. I had over 240 songs of my favorite band...and now it's all gone all gone all gone all gone. But that is what has made me so incredibly horribly sad recently...plus all that other crap. Anyway, we put the futon together today...it looks snazzy...ready to go in the condooooooo. I made too many dots tonight, maybe it's cuz i've been hyper since 6.

meh, whatever =D

Well the last post was to tell everybody that i was doing better. But obviously i need to clear the air some more... I FEEL GOOD. I FEEL FINE. HAND ME A GLASS OF COCONUT WINE. that rimes...merry xmas and happy new year (no i'm not drunk, just hyper(and no i do not want coconut wine, it just rimed with fine(teffy, i luv u 2)))