*bad word*

I'm tired
I'm sick
my foot hurts
my FEET hurt
my FACE hurts
I'm failing
you're yelling at me
she's telling me what to do
i have to write a paper
a speech
and turn in 4 drawings BY MONDAY

AND YOU ARE FORCING ME TO DO ALL OF IT IN 2 DAYS


i'm not allowed to stress out anymore
i'm not allowed to feel sorry for myself
i'm not allowed to be responsible
i have nothing
i cannot produce anything from nothing
i'm filled to the brim with exhaustion and every time i try to release it, i find myself buried under a stinging, suppressing, undying, evil, massive, POINTLESS WORK

it's never done
i'm never finished
i'm always behind
i feel like i have nothing. I am getting nothing. There is nothing i can do no matter how hard i try.
it feels like everything revolving around me is either A-never moving, or B-moving too fast
because i can't see things
i can't do things

i have nothing

survey says!

As usual, i pulled this from Matt's blog, but Kelly also used it


First name: Evan

Traits that describe character: crazy, funny, weird, l337 (y0|_| |
Relative of: Weel, Vick, Pie, Anne, John, Liz, Will, Mike, Jo, and holy crap this list would take forever

Lover of: Anime, video games, stars, and morning workouts

Who feels: like a nut, sometimes i don't

Who needs: a new video card, money to buy said vid. card, money for training trip, a longer attention span, a shower, and a high five every once and awhile

Who fears: cleaning, planning, forgetting things, ants

Who gives: backrubs to divers, headaches to teachers, and the pickles off my burger/sammich

Who would like to see: his wife, and everything else

Resident of: b.net, columbia, K-wood, and currently residing in sanity

Last name: rhymes with swatters

strange

My parents visited this weekend to watch the game, so they came the the APT to eat lunch(breakfast for me). The Udells came up this weekend to watch the A&M game with my rents, so they were here also. But after eating and getting ready to go to the game, mom pulled me aside and asked me some pretty annoying questions. Like, "do you need me to take away any distractions you might have?", and then also "do you want to go to school next semester?". The answer to the first question is NO, because i have an attention problem, not a distraction problem.
The answer to the second question is yes, because there is nothing i would rather do than stay on the team, dive next year, get a degree maybe, get OUT OF SCHOOL SUCCESSFULLY, and then go about my life knowing that something was completed that is worth going through all this greif. There is no reason to quit now. I have started making drastic changes in my studying habits, and i have gone through enough shit to say that i'm ready to take on all these new changes. Now the only problem is keeping my focus on the long-term results, instead of looking at how crappy life is.

Now to answer the many requests from people up here at Mizzou, i am going to mention some people.
Tweeder
Amanda
There, now i have mentioned them, HAPPY??? hahaha, i'm gunna play video games now, because i feel like i have strep throat coming.. :(

CHANGE? TRIANGLE?

So i was late to weights again today. 2 minutes late. And after i got there, the head weight coach, Fish(hardass and asshole) stops me and starts asking me all of this stuff like "why do you think you are better than everyone else?" and "why should you get to sleep in while everybody else is here on time?" and at 6am, my response was this:.....um.......i....uh........
SO! He sends me back home because he's tired of dealing with me showing up late every day. And that means that i am defanitely going to be in trouble later today. So yeah, later in the day i get to practice and Greg is there to yell at me for being late AGAIN. He is telling me that the swim coach is thinking about suspending me from the upcoming meet because i have been late so many times. So that sucks. And after telling me that i am getting HIM in trouble for being such an irrisponsible person, and that it's very frusterating for him to give me all this advice, trying to help me, trying to get me places on time and stuff. And that just sucks alot because i'm the one that's not changing and i'm the one that is doing all of this wrong, and I'M THE ONE THAT IS NOT CHANGING! So, after all his help has gone to waste, i feel like i've disappointed him, which is really bad, cuz me and greg are good friends. Anyway, we started talking, and figured out that i have been feeling so discouraged, and so frusterated, and so HOPELESS because i think that all of college has to be done without getting help from anyone else. I have been thinking that the only way that i'm going to be successful is if i'm doing it by myself. WHICH IS NOT TRUE! I couldn't have gotten through high school without my mom waking me up every day, and i couldn't have become a good diver if my first coach hadn't been a hardass about practice, and i wouldn't have been as much fun if it weren't for all my friends that keep me laughing and remind me that they care. But i have to start changing the way i recieve advice, because it is seriously screwing me over, trying to be independent and stuff. So yeah...um....Corey is reading this at work or something, and she loves Emo Love.

(30 days)
:D

what the fuck...seriously

I set my alarm last night for 7 o'clock. Because i am retarded. MY FIRST CLASS IS AT 9, NOT 8!!!!
So when i DID get up at 8:45 i thought i was 45 minutes late for my history class. But in all actuality, i was just like, 5-10 minutes late. BUT, i thought i had missed that class, so i went to my english class because (repeat after me) I AM RETARDED. it was 9am and i was going to my 10am eng class. I could have gone to my 9am HISTORY CLASS! BUT NO! WHY DO I DO THESE THINGS? WHY? (again) I AM RETARDED!!!!! This is not fun. I do not enjoy feeling like a complete idiot, but i have repeated actions as stupid as this one again and again. It is not fun. I hate it. I can't explain why i can't just wake up and go to class like a normal person....wait...i know why..
BECAUSE I'M F*CK*NG PEICE OF SH*T CRAP EATING FART SH*T *SS B*TCH SLUT WHORE F*CK*NG SH*T SH*TT*R FAHQING REEEEEEETAAAAAAARDEEEEEEEED!!!!!!!!!!

fun

If you know what the following means, then your name is "NERD"

The steady rise in the speed of bipolar transistors has relied largely on the vertical scaling of the epitaxial layer structure to reduce the carrier transit time," said Milton Feng, the Holonyak Professor of Electrical and Computer Engineering at Illinois, whose team has been working on high-speed compound semiconductor transistors since 1995. "However, this comes at the cost of increasing the base-collector capacitance. To compensate for this unwanted effect, we have employed lateral scaling of both the emitter and the collector."

why does this happen to me?

Is this some kind of greater power telling me that my life is headed in the wrong direction? Oh no...it's god throwing me a curve ball...when life gives you lemons, make lemonade!...But what if life gives you crap? do you make a poop smoothie? How am i supposed to make lemonade when i'm soo pissed off that i just throw the lemons at a wall and then take the seeds and shove them under my eyelids? does that sounds fun? maybe it would make sense if you were as pissed as i am. I can't control anything anymore. I have no control over anything that happens to me....and that my friends, is depressing, and very very frusterating.

2 seconds.....90 seconds....

I was 2 seconds late to weights today. 2 fucking seconds.
I walk in, and everybody has already started the warmup....gee thanks guys, i really appreciate that you started early for me, so it looks like i'm twice as late as i really am...wait...am i late at all? SO i walk over and ask Coach Floyd if i'm late and he nods. I'm late....again...to weights.....

I AM TWO SECONDS LATE TO WEIGHTS

I TELL HIM THIS, AND HE GOES AND CHECKS THE CLOCK...BUT BY THE TIME HE GETS HIS LAZY ASS OVER THERE, IT'S A MINUTE AND A HALF LATER THAN WHEN I WALKED IN, SO I GET "1.5 minutes late" written down, and i have to come in tomorrow
tomorrow morning
6 am
DISCIPLINE CIRCUIT
WHAT THE FUCK IS DISCIPLINE CIRCUIT OTHER THAN A BALL OF CRAP THROWN IN MY FACE TRYING TO TELL ME THAT IF I'M LATE FOR WEIGHTS AGAIN, THEY ARE GOING TO KICK ME OFF THE TEAM???? WHAT THE HELL KIND OF ORGANIZATION IS THIS THAT THEY PRIDE THEMSELVES ON HOW MUCH OF AN ASSHOLE THEY CAN BE TO THE SPORTS -OTHER THAN FOOTBALL- If i didn't know any better, i'd say that this is bullshit, and i would probably yell at somebody, or break something, or combine the two and BEAT THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF SOMEBODY

I'M FED UP WITH TAKING THIS BULLSHIT FROM THEM EVERY FUCKING TIME I WALK IN THERE. SO WHAT IF I'M 2 SECONDS LATE? (late is late-floyd) Well bullshit is bullshit, my friend...and i've had enough of it. I am seriously contemplating whether or not to go in tomorrow...or maybe i will and tell them that i'm done lifting weights, because i hate it, and i hate their rules, and therefore can't stand the coaches in there. It's not my fault that we are lifting weights at 6 am, it's not my fault that they are assholes about every rule they have in there, it's not my fault that they have to tell me how to do everything again and again and again even when i don't need to be told OR REMINDED. I couldnt' be more pissed off about anything else. I hate this. I hate it. I hate waking up this early, going in there and feeling like shit for an hour and a half.

KJSDKFJHSKUYRKJBOIGIUYGASKEJHRSFDG

this is the post...

This is the post that is going to scare everyone.

I am not doing well in school...at all. There is still hope. I don't know how, but i might be able to pull out of this. If i can't...mom and pop won't pay for school anymore. If I DO make the necessary grades, it means another semester of...class...homework...studying...reading, classes, crappy TA's, tests, and stress. I'm honestly asking myself if i want to do this anymore...and the answer is no. I then go the logical next question, which is: What will i do if i DON'T go to school? To that question, the answer is: work, live with parents, and hate myself forever.

The only thing that is keeping me in school is diving. I'm good at it. My coach and teammates respect me because i'm good at it. I get paid to dive, and that's nice. But i'm also required to go to classes-the single thing i hate. I can't make myself do work. I can't force myself to read, write, go to class, or do anything. This isn't working. I need something else. Help is on the way.

In conclusion-i'm in trouble.