COPE

WHY would you say things like that in front of me?
NO, you don't say them to me, but I read them plain as day
STOP reading into everything she does, do you want to die an obsessed bitter old man
WHO are you calling old
NOBODY else will care
DIE, already

ruined

i never just say things

I'm always sticking myself in the eye with HOW TO SAY THINGS
and i ruin it

so fix something
do SOMETHING right

Someone should write a song about chips and salsa

And no, Salsa dancing music doesn't count.
It's just so beautiful...crunch...spicy...salty...tomatoeyie <3

http://kevan.org/johari?name=Evan%20Fan%20Club

Everybody do that. Right now. Click click cli-... wait... who am i kidding. Everybody who reads my blog has already done that. [fun.over]

Anyway, I was reading my "recreational" book Dusk, and I realized that my imagination was running rampant. I could see the places the book mentioned, I could hear noises and feel emotions. This book isn't anything extraordinary, it's just that since I haven't taken my ADD medication I think my brain is going back to the setting I like it at:
ULTRA WRINKLY MEGA HYPER SYNAPSE BRAVO SUPREME BRAIN DOMINATING PLEASURE mode

I enjoy letting my imagination get the better of me.
I would rather have my brain in charge of me instead of someone else.

Springtime McHoroscope

What's your sign?

Coffee -- (1/1 - 7/15)
You bring joy and satisfaction to all you meet. Your fresh look lets everyone know that you're richer, bolder, more robust* than you used to be! The new moon means it's a great time to spend with others. While you're great on your own, you really shine when you're paired up with those who share some of the same qualities as you.

You are most compatible with: McGriddles, breakfast foods

McGriddles -- (7/16 - 12/31)
You are often revered as the popular one in the group. You have never had trouble meeting new people or keeping relationships with old friends, but look to strengthen your relationship with coffee this month. Venus' orbital pull is strong, making it easy to realize that your compatibility is stronger than ever. You will be attracted to the fresh taste, rich aroma, and bold flavor that coffee now offers.

You are most harmonious with: Coffee

I'm a McGriddle. Which of the two fucked up, personified, harmonious breakfast items are you?

(Yes, this means I went to McDonalds today. No, i'm not proud of it, but this is just SOOOO painfully interesting)

SHIT

I keep finding ways to make myself happy around Jessica... which of course turn into pain. Because as happy as she makes me when i'm around her, there is the constant reminder that she dumped me. She refused any love i had for her. It's just gone. And even though i still feel so good around her, i know it's wrong because i can't just pretend it's ok to still be in love with her.

Not only that, but she couldn't handle me.
I was at my lowest point earlier this semester, ending diving, very very very depressed, and i was doubting everything. Now that we're broken up she has brought up all of these reasons why she didn't want to "keep doing it". And that hurts more than anything now. And whatever shit I was dealing with, getting over diving, is now going to feel like a pizza party at chuck-e-cheese's with ski ball COMPARED TO this overpowering urge to lower myself and embarrass myself by asking for her to take me back. I just feel disgusting because it is such a strong feeling towards her, and i don't really want that to change because it has felt so good to think about her... but nowwwwwwwwwwwwwwww i just want to die and leave her alone but i can't and we have a class together and shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit i hate tearing myself in half for her.

I don't want to hurt her to make myself feel better, but i'd like to see her put herself in my shoes for a while and try being friends.... like that's even supposed to be an option right now.
FUCK

Pibb = Personification of Candy

I feel like i'm a waste of society's appetite. More of a waste of people's time than anything.

Unwrap, savor, discard. Not hard to do.

Anything over a few moments of my company seem drawn out, awkward, and never worth anyone's time - including my own unsuccessfull attempts of meaning in anyone's life.

I'm the candy cane that lasts too long and just melts all over your fingers. The tripple scoop ice cream cone that skis into your lap. The unruly jawbreaker that you thoughtlessly chomped.
Gum loses it's flavor.
But does everything else just fade away too?

Four Hundred and Fifty (there's yer capitalization)

Since my 444th post isn't up here, i'll celebrate my 450th blog post.
Joe Wilson has had this quote in his facebook profile for a while now and i've really enjoyed it. So much so that i re-visit his profile so often just to read it.
But NO MORE! I'm posting it here so i'm not tempted to log into facebook just to read it. Or to check the ridiculous away messages of all my friends. Silly


I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.
--"I do not love you...."
Pablo Neruda

If i can't be "_____" then i won't try.

"GIVE HIM fifty yards!"

I love that commercial.

I keep wanting to edit my facebook page
i keep wanting to edit a lot of things

i keep realizing that i don't have many attachments to physical objects... and that's good, but i don't feel like i have any posessions. i don't feel like i can really say that i have an item that personifies what i enjoy or represents a fraction of my life. And realistically, there shouldn't be one thing that determines what i've done in my lifetime, but for someone like myself who doesn't have a lot of boundaries/guidlines/structure right now, i'm wishing for something to jump out and hit me in the face telling me to "go to objective A and perform action F" time limit ensuing, i should find some sort of joy in the event, right? no. i'm easily finding reasons why it's pointless and i'm doubting the reasons behind everything.

where is the sunrise that makes me breathe deeper?
where's my sobe that fills me to the fullest?
where's the goosebumps, the chills, the shock, the amusement, the warmth, where is my love?
where else would i find any of these things? no longer allowed to love her
how to feel
how to breathe
how to act
what to say
who to greet
what to avoid
what to eat
what to listen
where to go
where to spend
what money?
who to befriend
who to ignore

and myself is the answer
ignore your joy your words your mouth your ears your stomach your legs and arms and hair and face and fingers and wrists that crack and hurt and moan and twitch and then die because it happens and that's fine. but why would this happen to anyone like this? when will it stop TODAY IT WILL. no it won't. i can't feel anything and i want to relinquish this tragedy to someone else to have them love me enough - to make me want more. to make me want change. to make me want all of these senses again and again and again untill again i sit in this room on these keys asking questions that lead to more questions and doubts and depression. i'm a raven of dispair and i can't stop my cawing. the mirror is evil and so is this burning sensation on skin every morning.
why can't sleep bring the answers
why won't it bring sanctuary
where will i go to make things feel better?

i don't want to go home to make everything worse. i have no reasons for anything. i have no explination for anything i have no personality to lose or gain because i've lost it already... and being myself again... is just something someone else will have to love to bring back

pitifull outcry, ignore every word.

attention won't give you anything

your alone and i'm tired

don't make me

come back.

don't do it.

goodbye

wrong

I'm doing everything wrong.

guilty pt. 2

I still haven't done my Roman Classics paper.
This is because I was never in class when we talked about Livy.
I have no notes for him.
It sucks.
But teffy's coming today and that means nothing matters.
and when i say nothing, i mean nothing else.
blahblahblah

Facebook?

Just
Ask,
Regurgitation
May
Activate
Nearby

guilty

I just want to sit here and type. It's so sensually pleasing to have a good keyboard under your fingers. In fact, the keyboard i'm typing on right now in the library is the exact same kind of keyboard Zac had on his computer from my freshman year when my blog-debut/hermit-lifestyle/loneliness began. So this is an odd sensation, to be typing on the same keyboard, feeling the keys depress in the same way and having the spacebar jerk and click the same way it did 3 years ago. While we're at it, what happened to me? In 3 years, i have changed my outlook from "just have to graduate" to now... "it's happening, wtf do i do afterwards?" Hindsight, i guess, but whatever... i was just as confused then as i am now. I wasn't even sure i was going to get this far, but now that i'm smack in the middle of my 2nd semester of my 4th year at mizzou, i'm pretty sure things will work out. But why can't i make my life better? What part of me believes that i'm never going to change for the best... or just never supposed to change? Nothing pulls at my heart anymore. Everything feels hollow and mortal and impulsive. I can't just do things because they feel good anymore. I still impulsively buy videogames (5 games, 3 movies this spring break :- ) but that just adds to the self-perpetuating financial fireball on the backburner. I don't believe in myself. I am excited about so many things, like living with Liz next year, about getting a job this summer that i might be able to hold during next semester, about visiting San Antonio this summer to see my friends that i've kept in touch with over the years and hopefully finding closure because SA is no longer my home.

Like i said i'm just typing to feel my fingers move under Gateway's grey, plastic keys. I haven't anticipated anyone reading this anyway just because every post has gotten progressively more depressing and nigh-unreadable.

Which brings me to my next point: I have two make-up tests to take and I haven't studied for either of them. I was supposed to take them 2 weeks ago and trying to study for them now is impossible. I can't open a book. I can't sit and read. I can hardly look at the study guide. can'tcan'tcan'tcan'tcan'tcan'tcan'tcan'tcan't I'm trying to fail these tests or something. Like i'm TRYING my best to figure myself out. The latter of which ends up happening "without effort" in some sense, mostly through trial and error... which i guess is why i'm subconsiously trying to errorize these tests so badly. [you like that? "errorize"? i'm smart]

games bought: Kingdom Hearts II, Splinter Cell: Pandora Tomorrow (soley for the online play), Metroid Prime, Devil May Cry 3: SE, and a 2nd copy of Halo 2 so WeeL and i can link our xboxen
movies: The Last Samurai, My Neighbor Totoro, and King Kong
total cost: $145 (54 was paid for by a free copy of Perfect Dark Zero that i traded in for a Wal-Mart giftcard :D)

procrastination is just like masterbation

everything feels fine untill you realize you just fucked yourself.

And I have royally screwed myself over for the two make-up tests I have to take tomorrow. Sleep? don't be silly. After it's over tomorrow i plan on either A. sleeping all day, kingdom hearts all night or B. drink a lager drink, drink a vodka drink, sing the songs that remind me of the good times, sing the songs that remind me of the better times.

Teffy will be visiting this weekend, and I hope she has fun. In fact she has guarunteed it. But regardless, i'm happy to be back in columbia.
...nevermind the fact that i'm flat broke.

oh boy :E

I'm just not that into me

Self-absorbed, inconsiderate, driven.

Which best describes how i've been acting lately?
1, 2, 3, or all of the above?

My room is dirty, i have two tests this week that i haven't studied for at ALL, and i keep finding pictures of Jessica which feel like a giant lie to everything i know. Nothing keeps that from hurting right now and I still can't explain anything. I can't listen to Coldplay or "everlong" or postal service just because it's like i'm still supposed to be with her, or thinking about her when i hear those songs, and I'm trying not to think about her "like that". And that sucks. Boohoo. Cry more, please.

I'm done diving.
I'm single again (CRY MORE PLZ)
I am so scared of what i'm going to become. Maybe i'll turn into Batman or something....

PS - I'm living with Nate next year, and his girlfriend Kayla is living with Jessica. GREAT IDEA! *THUMBS DOWN*