you know what, fuck you

you always knew what you were doing and never gave me a chance
you had made up your mind ahead of time and instead of believing me, you just convinced yourself you were right and moved on
you never trusted me and you'll never trust anyone
hope you're fucking happy

Full Stop

Due to a completely unwanted phone call, I no longer feel comfortable sharing my feelings with this blog.

Where I was on a really cool kind of vein of thought and feeling good about writing again, i'm now just self-conscious of what she'll think and hate the thought of writing more to get a phone call about telling me how "immature" I am for writing anything in here in the first place. And if YOU are reading this and think i need to "get over myself" then that's fucking FANTASTIC with me. I have as much right to talk about how you've made me feel as you have to call me to tell me you basically hate my guts.

I really really wish I could get over you because this obviously isn't healthy.

I really needed to say that, I think. Hopefully more later.

This is not for you

This is for me.

This is mine.

If you don't like it, stop reading it.

I'm not going to edit this for anyone but myself.

good
great

Not mad at myself anymore

More upset about what's happened because of things I couldn't control. Obviously, I could have done more but that's easy to say now, after I know what I should have done. At the time, I was doing what I thought was best, what I thought would work for both of us. But now I don't think it would have mattered and the only right thing to do would have been to leave you alone and get as far away from you as possible. That way you could do whatever you want and be happy, and I could be miserable, like I am now, like I was always going to be.

This is all your fault. Not mine.
I did nothing wrong and it all went to crap anyway.

Whatever guilt lies on me is INCONSEQUENTIAL to the amount of fucking guilt you should feel for what you did.

Stop being in my dreams.
Don't make me remember you because it hurts.
Go lead a wonderful life without me because there is no good life for me with you.
at least one of us will

This place is a mess

My room is a complete wastepit. I've got speakers, bed parts, clothes, and other shit that could be burned for all i care but it's just sitting around... beh

Fall is awesome. Props to fall. Yes, fall, yes. I like you, AUTUMN. It's the only season I genuinely like. If I were to personify the seasons, Summer is the fun one, but Fall is the one you take home. Spring and Winter are fucking losers i give up on this metaphor. But the point is, I would totally hit on Fall if it were a chick instead of a few months of the year. Get all up in her LEAVES.

Its the thing about fall that makes me write. It's a good writing season. Summer isn't.. summer is active and "a time to do stuff" as weel said. Winter it's too cold and spring and i have never gotten along very well, but whatever. I always seem to write more in fall and always have more to write ABOUT. I'll be sure to squeeze the sponge-y grey matter for what's left of the writer inside of me and spread the gooduns around on the blog.

I keep thinking about the same shit. And all it is is really just shit. Worthless wastes of thoughts that center around the same depressing, cyclical, annoying emotion that I apparently have a problem getting rid of. I'm not going to say anymore because i'm really pretty sick of feeling this way so instead of sharing like i've always done, i'm just going to fucking BOTTLE IT UP.

peace.

The Girls I've Loved

I can't say that I'm not in love with them anymore because I really see no reason to lie to myself like that. People have faults, that's easy to see and even easier to do, but for some reason I fall so hopelessly quick and hard for girls that it's "easy" for me to be in love with someone?

Does that make any sense at all?

I'm getting out of a relationship with Jill and I hate the thought of still-being-in-love-with-her.
Which is of course preposterous because i'm still in love with the other 2 girls i've been in love with. It's no surprise to ME of course because it's been true the entire time. But apparently "growing up" is not a fairy tale. And by that respect, true love is something that exists not only when people are IN love, but when they choose to BE WITH someone else. I feel like i've had this thing down, but i'm apparently too forgiving or at least too giving. I want to find love and not FEAR for the loss of that love. I feel like WeeL on this issue, that I have a very clear idea of what i want, yet have no clue how to express it or represent this... thought.

A big part of me wants to do more for myself on a personal level rather than just feel sorry for my romantic losses. I want to travel, I want a decent job, I want a clean room with a bed that's not broken and I want my brother to stop getting stoned all the time(it seriously makes me feel bad when he is). I want my dreams to make sense. I want to stop saving princesses in a castle and start investigating ways to make my REAL LIFE better. I'm not using videogames and stuff to escape, they are just the things that make sense to me. I'm not abusing them or letting them distract me from responsibilities, but I have no real responsibilities right now and that..prettymuch sucks a lot. I don't like it.

I don't want to be a diving coach.
I can coach, but it's not what I want to do.

If you're reading this, kick my ass if I don't follow through on something.
(I'm talkin to YOU, teffy!)

And thus begins the rebirth of Jarman etc. blah blah blah