Karma

Little things matter. They stack up.

Karma is based on a circle, based on action.
It is impossible to do nothing, EVERYTHING returns to the other.
Prediction is impossible, so live in the moment.
Your current five minutes will never happen ever again.
Once you finish the circle, you end...
And as something begins,
you're part of it.

You're part of all of it, so go be it, go do it, go kiss it, go yell it, go kick it, go drink it, go flip it, go create it, go breathe it, go sing it, go spend it, go laugh it, go hear it, go learn it, go think it, go see it, go taste it, go hate it, go change it, go like it, go save it, go earn it, go love it, go live it.

it's like love... but it ends in -UCK

(Scratching my head feels good.)

I got the flu this week. I came over to do laundry and ended up being pent up at my parent's house doing laundry and sitting around watching TBS all day. They've really bought up a bunch of killer shows, the coolest of which was Home Improvement. I also watched old episodes of Seinfeld, Friends, Scrubs, and TAIL SPIN on the Disney channel. That show was the shit. The way it never kept the composition of the plane the same on the inside to outside, defied physics several times in every show, and then had such a stellar voice cast, soundtrack, and script writers that none of that really mattered at all. Tail Spin, dude. It made me who I am today.
I also watched Toy Story.
Which is where i got the "snake in my boot" comment thing from.
Woody is #1.

No, it's not technically Valentines day anymore, but yeah, today was v-day.
...it was the first v-day i've been single for in almost 4 years. I wasn't afraid of it, or looking forward to it, or anything at all because I don't have a -THAT PERSON- right now. Girlfriend, wife, flirtatious co-worker, NOTHING. So maybe today was kind of a stick in the eye of "YOU ARE ALONE". Will I always be alone? No. Because this is my first me-only v-day in almost 4 years - therefore, not "always".
Will I be alone from now til i die?

I don't know how to flirt with women. I feel like the only meaningful, happy relationships i've had have begun based on a large quantities of LUCK. (I was lucky to find her, it was lucky we met, i was lucky enough to have this in common with her, etc) This luck has run out, luck that I never had, luck that i can't find, luck that doesn't care, luck that doesn't listen. It's not love anymore...i'm a very loving person and i love so many people. So what makes this luck of mine become so powerful that i feel like it has to dictate who i fall in love with?.. do i determine that still?...did i ever determine who i fell in love with?

This sucks. I'm not in love with anyone and instead of being excited to look, i'm just afraid it won't happen again. That i won't get lucky again, so to speak. heh...

Driving.

There was a time when i used to enjoy driving.
Look for it, you WILL find it on here. There are posts waxing on about my love for absolute speed and freedom and tranquility of moving across a landscape.
That's all gone. I hate driving.
I say hate, but really, i just don't love it anymore.
Driving is fine, but it's not fun anymore. It used to be a way to relax or get out or bond with friends or be alone. Now i drive all over st louis to coach at SLU, my job at the gym, my apartment on manchester, and my parent's place on geyer. This does not include the times i would drive to the mall through retarded a-hole-ville intersections filled with fake tanning whore moms on their way to return their victoria's secret perfume set that they decided they "don't really want."
Driving is a hassle. I hate the thought of driving anywhere because that means i have to get in my zero-pleasure-zone, the Ford Focus that i'm apparently buying from my parents. I'm not buying anything from my parents. That car sucks. It needs new brakes, gets shit for gas mileage, two AC vents don't work, the cd player turns off if you TOUCH IT too hard, and under no circumstances do I leave the car fully locked - the alarm goes off for no reason, at any time when the doors are all locked.
After entering the ZPZ, i pull out of either a tiny parking lot onto a busy street, or pull out of a busy grocery store parking lot onto one of two busy streets. The amount of road restrictions and directions and limitations and requirements make my initial jump into the fast lane not only not-fast, but at times, halted completely by a single eager greedy thoughtless ass wipe that thinks blocking an intersection to get to his destination 0.00% FASTER is reason enough to make me 5 minutes slower in me getting to MY destination. Easy to say that the road requires rules; but to watch your fellow drivers BREAK the rules you try to adhere to leaves you feeling like an idiot. What's the damn point of rules if you're the only one obeying them?
The beauty of the open road is not your neighbor. It's your free grasp of the world without a person tailing you. It's a horizon without an advertisement-bloated bus in front of it. It's a view of the world as YOU see it, it's personal, it's your world when you're moving through it, not the SUV with the unnecessarily powerful headlights' world. This is a world i'm forced to trudge through and enjoy? To blink, wipe, turn, park, brake, accelerate, and drive through PEACEFULLY? I do not feel peace.
Maybe that's the most common emotion i feel in my average day: driving unrest. Maybe that's the reason i feel trapped here. Maybe that's why i dont' feel at home here. Maybe that's why i feel like i have to get the hell out of here.

maybe THIS is enough

3 doughnuts instead of a sermon

It isn't fatal, but this light is a life taker.
It's the spark of a candle, not a light bulb.
A better light
an honest light
a warm light
an inspiring light, not an inspired light
a light that's meant to be held instead of watched
and I'm looking directly at it.

I'll be blind before i stop.

--------------------

Where does this get hard?
I'm only limiting myself, and that's not tricky.
Just wait 'til i let go, then you'll be tricked.
And confused, and amused.
Just don't lose YOUR head while I'm losing mine.
Because then who knows what our bodies
could do

--------------------


You treat me like shoes you can't wear anymore.
I don't want to be friends if that's the color of your core.
Your records were junk, and you hate your life.
I felt like a punk, thinking of you as a wife.

Don't test me again, my soul can't take it.
The smile and pull of your hand on my chin.
Jumped out of your clothes and into "what did we do"
Maybe it's time
I treat you like a shoe.