Friendly

This sensation changes daily. Yet I notice it annually. It's different, it's similar, it's new.

We keep reaching for that very frequently mistakable feeling of home.
But I keep guessing at which direction feels best.
Meanwhile, you are confident. You are inspired.

Take me home with you. Show me the good that made you.
Share your home with me. Feed my curiosity.
Love the life you have. You only get one and coins can't buy more.

Three bottles later and I'm the hypocrite.
I belong in a French Museum; no one can touch me.

You want inside this jar but there's no exit.
I want out but there's no atmosphere.
We could meet at the lip and share worlds together.



It's been a long weekend.
I've been drinking and partying with lee, stu, and keeny lately: 3 days in a row.
Moving out of this apartment has turned into torture for me because I'm retarded.
I want to get out of here but i'm no longer convinced that where i'm going is 'the right direction'.
That's bullshit.

If I can choose which direction to go, then I should be convinced that it's the right thing to do, right? I already feel psychotic for wanting to go to a random country by myself for an indefinite amount of time... but now i'm beginning to think that it's the most lucid, realistic idea i've had in a while.

This has turned into crap.
Don't smell, waft.

You're prettier every day...

I'm at my desk, looking out my window for the first time in a few months because i've had the curtains permanently drawn in order to maximize hibernation, but also to keep out some of the cold air that would blow in through the crack in my window. I realize that after having the light shine into my room naturally again, I'm glad I can see our blossoming Bradford Pear trees that smell like month-old-rancid-diseased-rotting-carcass and look like they've been pear green frosted. I can also see the once-lifeless branches of the trees across the street growing green
as the days start getting nicer.
The wind was so strong today.
It felt like the wind was just the beginning of the spring season.
Like the rest of the season of warmth and color was just riding the chariot drawn by this wind.

Yet, the sun coming in makes it hard to see the low brightness of my monitor.

I'll forgive the sun

dear, _______

I can finally decide on why I don't enjoy not being in love.

I'm a romantic. Call it what you will, I have an eye for romance, I gaze unintentionally, I pre-order items capture my attention, I seek out things I deem beautiful, I maintain to make my life worth more than the sum of its parts - and worth more than anything I can leave behind. My life is meant to be spent in love.

If I am out of love, I unwillingly devote myself to find a way to be back IN love. Whether this is love from a female, or me loving a female, having that love is important to me. If I can't get that, then I will unflinchingly submit myself to grueling tasks in order to retain love. I don't mean cute girl in the coffee shop, I don't mean that lady you help on the bus every morning, I don't mean family or friends or your dog. I mean love like, I feel, two people are supposed to have for one another. This is beyond gender, yes. I personally feel like I am supposed to be with one girl for the rest of my life. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me. Marriage is a formal promise to always be there for the other person. DEFINITELY not necessary for what pr1ncesses call "true love." That's a total misnomer for something I'd call something more like "closest love." Or "true acceptance."

I'm not in love right now and I keep thinking I'm finding love when I'm not... and I'm always thinking about it so of course I think... too much. But that's me! LOL =-)
....right. That's seriously what i've been doing. And yes, maybe i'm still in love, so what? If someone new comes along and I fall in love, then it's obvious that it's ... their turn? What the hell? So women take turns falling in love with me now? hmm I SMELL A REALITY SHOW!! But seriously, if I haven't fallen out of love with someone, should I just consider it "GAME OVER" because we're no longer together?

I don't agree with the notion of falling out of love with anyone. I think it's bullshit. I don't think people ever fall out of love and I will always ALWAYS believe that if you really love someone, they will be loved forever. And if you were ever "truly loved" (there, I said it) by someone, then you will always be loved. I've fallen very deeply in love 3 times and I don't regret the injuries i've suffered for that closeness. And I'll never forgive myself for the self-inflicted scars. But it just hurts, just a sore ache to not be in love. I'm in pain when I don't have a "dearest" person in my life.

[SEGWAY?]

I'm at a sunrise moment in my life right now. There's something big on the horizon and it's so damn brilliant you can't even look at it. Yet I could die tomorrow in peace. I'm so determined and encouraged by Plan A that I feel like I can do anything again. Like I can fly again. I've had lots of inspiration for this decision but I really feel like this is something I've decided to do that nobody else has been a part of. Given, people's reactions to my presentations of Plans A through D have solidified my resolve to go with Plan A.

To get your zombie merit badge, BE PREPARED

Well, the jist of this note is basically me, Evan, passing the time at work. I'm bored and like setting "goals" for myself. So this morning (it was 6am when I started an attempt to answer this armament quandry) I'm challenging myself to surf the ENTIRE internet (DA WHOAL INTARNETS?(yes.)) in order to find what I deem to be my ideal zombie-killing weapon.

WTF MUST BE JAPANESE

There are categories I could file each weapon into, devices that are without a doubt, far more efficient (i'm looking at you, Helicopter Lawnmower), and items that by strict rulings are both fictional and ideal. True: there is a lot of thought to be put into a decision like this. And false: "it will make a difference in the end." From the facts we have gathered about zombies, it's obvious to me that there is nothing humanity can do to waylay the tide of flesh that will ultimately consume the planet.

That being said, i'm looking for my soulmate. My 'ring of power', my 'PF Flyers', my 'magic carpet'(Aladdin reference, w00t), my whip, musket, katana, WHATEVER. I'm in search of the item that I would not only want to be buried with, but the item I would want my insignificant, smoldering-severed-hand to be clenched around when they find the blood-stained crater where my body used to be. This is important.

Let's start off with what I've thought to myself about an ideal weapon.

Efficiency. One and done. None of this 'chopping' shit. And forget the climactic revving of a chainsaw if you're going to waste time priming it. I'm looking for a point and click interface here. Shotgun. Grenade. Machete. The key is headshots: destroy the brain, no mo zombo.

Ease of use. How many heads could a ball-point pen penetrate? How many rounds before reloading? Misfires, dud rounds, and accuracy, OH MY! When the pressure's on, can you execute? Literally? I'm not exactly ready to porcupine an ATV with battle axes, so i'm limiting myself to handheld items.

"it" factor. Does Bullet Tooth Tony enjoy the fact that his gun works -and- says Desert Eagle .50? I think so. Does Mace Windu's lightsaber have "BAD MOTHER FUCKER" inscribed on it? Probably. I'm looking to Samurai Jack on this one bigtime. His sword accompanies him for his quest as the destined element to his success. Without it, he has no hope. My quest for survival will be determinedly emboldened with badassery.

Like I said, those are 3 categories i'm filling out. No, I will not abide by a 10-point scale or any of that nonsense. I'm making a true-blue gut decision here. Now, as Hellboy says, "let's get to it."

SHOTGUN

Two hands. Two shotguns. Too awesome? Yes.

Buckshot, rocksalt, slug. Call it's name and you get the front seat. Hear it's definitive boom and hit the deck. It's got power and is devastating at short range. FPS dreamgun. 2 barrels or 1, it's a cranium-juicer and allows you to change targets while pumping another round into the chamber. Reloading is a bitch. Shells are large and heavy, blast will attract attention(both good and bad), relatively low skill level required to aim. I like it, but I don't like relying upon ammunition.

Get 'er done.

OTHER FIREARMS

These are cardboard, btw. LAW, M14 rifle, M79 grenade launcher, M16 rifle, M60 machine gun, M3A3 (Grease Gun) 45 cal sub-machine gun, 45 cal pistol.

Guess what, everything with a trigger on it is playing second fiddle to the shotgun, so I'm lobbing them together. Rifles, handguns, automatics, semi-automatics, bolt-action, pump-action, banana clips, scopes, and all the other hand-held-metal-pushers out there hold the same appeal to me.

Standard issue Glock

It's all about the headshot, and the shotguns' blast radius just cannot be beat. Sure I could get good with a rifle, and even fancier with a set of revolvers, but the same thing holds true: reload times and headshots. Yes, sniping is a skill I could develop in the time i hold out eating cans of beans and bottled water.

Playing off Caroline's "oh my lanta" line..OH MY MAGNUM

And I'm really afraid of getting too cocky about my aiming and then screwing the pooch because now, instead of threading a 9mm Glock round through my now-flesh-hungry-neighbor's eyebrows, I've merely edited out his sideburns and earlobes. Ammo consumption on a high-firing rate peice also worries me.


MACHETE

eenie...meenie....

What do you think of when you hear the word "blade"? (Before you say "black vampire"... anytime i hear Wesley Snipes I think "Demolition Man"...) I think machete. Chopping through rain forests, severing raw meat in the kitchen, or backwoods amputations. This dog leads the pack. Strong blades, easily sharpened to Sweeney Todd standards, operated with one hand. ME LIKEY. Standards for machetes go as far as the materials you make 'em with. Having a spare weapon to hand off to a newfound survivor is just "good people". Far-as-you-can-reach range and strength-dependant efficiency limits this neck-splitter.

BASEBALL BAT
Ness carried one. Babe Ruth carried one. And I've seen the damage that can be done when unrelenting force is applied to a chain-link fence with one. Louisville slugger - wood, of the earth, feels great in your hands. Aluminum - satisfying 'ping' off green-tinted cheekbones, gnaw-proof. I'm going to nominate not only bats, but maces, clubs, and any other bludgeoners to this category. And I'd also like to make the point of carrying wooden weapons: you dominate the style-points but wood eventually wears out. The FEEL of a wooden handle is, as zombie Martha says, a good thing.

If this were a game (it is NOT) which we wouldn't have to take seriously (WE DO), I would assign each of these to Player 1-4. (there are no continues if zombies bite you; i shoot you in the face)

Zombie flesh, I've been told, is more congealed and gelatinous than our naturally muscle-ey bodies. So with that in mind, scull-crushing should be easier to pull off on a neck-biter than your average human.

Personal note: when we would go on nature walks as a family, my brothers and I would always scour the areas near the trail in search of our "stick". Some sticks were better than others, but we each resolved to find our own. And then, of course, before bringing it into the van, we'd whack 'em on a nearby tree to get them to break. I can still remember a few that never broke. Perhaps this search is simply my own search to find a stick that I can't get to break.

[FOR FUN]

"Due to its massive height, the Naginata was the weapon of choice for battle against horsemen and swords. Stretching over 5 feet tall with a 20" carbon steel blade with intense blood grooves."

I chose a weapon for Lee. I'm not sure if he will qualify it for himself as his ideal, or even practical weapon. But if he were my #2 I'd love to gift him with one of THESE. It's called a Naginata. It's called...EXPLOSIVO. Lee's a taller guy and really quick, so I can see him decommissioning several dead-heads with this horse-killer at once. Merry. Fucking. Christmas. This thing makes me grimace.

Now what I'm about to share is what I've found. I like it... a lot. And I've chosen it for myself out of pure want.

I've found it.

This weapon is my single inspiration for this entire note. Full Tang means no wonky handle, it's the same piece of metal from prick to butt. Wood grain handle makes me feel like this IS my stick from long Sunday walks in Castle Wood Park. Sure it's not exactly a machete, and not exactly a sword. I'm breaking rank and going with something a little untraditional. So sue me. If I'm defending myself against a zombie horde, I at least want to feel cool... at least a little bit before my insides become my outsides. Like I said, it's inevitable. This would make a GREAT birthday/xmas present by the way. And it might save my life!
http://www.trueswords.com/ninja-officer-sword-full-tang-predator-p-3008.html