I commute to hell. The return trip isn't even pleasant.

I can't even write i'm so angry.

This place makes me sick.

I am so frusterated that I have to sit here... like a fucking moron, doing nothing for another 19 minutes because of the 2 people that are working out.

I don't care if i'm being paid to do it.

This is stupid.

I want out of here.

I like the regulars, and the trainers aren't bad.

This stupid weekend shift is killing me and i don't want to do it anymore.

I don't know if i'm lacking patience or something but this 12-5 shift is fantastically worthless.
I can't type. This is annoying.

Nobody is online.
Nobody cares.

I just sit at a desk all alone and can't even think of anything interesting.
I'm niot productive, im not smart, i'm not creative.

i suck

This is what it's like every day

It started as me trying to figure out how long i could keep the gate to my desk closed. The answer is "HAHAHAHAHA! IDIOT!"


5:23pm - closed swinging door to desk area
.
5:53pm - showed a picture to a member, she showed Oz, he closed my phone. had to rewrite text upload
.
6:03pm - left desk to look for Maurie. Eric Ruettgers is here for a comp/consult with her
.
6:30pm - I really have to poop. Prairie Doggin' it. The Cars are releasing an entire album on RockBand DLC
.
6:50pm - Oz came back here (without necessarily asking) to show me ideas for his new logo (he chose both of his two options instead of just one)
.
7:12pm - poopin.7:18pm - It was an emotional experience, that's all I have to say. Also edited checkin for Nicole Kaunitz
.
7:38pm - noticed i left the gate open. then closed it
.
7:53pm - Chiodini brothers fight about Nick trying to get his younger brother to throw away his gatorade bottle. Younger brother just knocks empty bottle off stairmaster and continues watching Family Guy
.
8:12pm - Just spent 10-15 minutes making a final choice of Oz's new logo with him and Dayle. He's going with the strong one. Once again, he used the computer without necessarily asking.
.
8:53pm - i hate myself and want to be alone


I'm very familiar with this... self-loathing, isolated, crummy feeling I get whenever I close the gym. I'm familiar with it, but that doesn't mean I like it. I hate it and I hate working here is what it comes down to. I'm not making anyone's life better. I'm not making their day brighter. I'm not encouraging them to work out by being polite and smiling at them or remembering their name or having their usual drink ready for them when they leave. I am self-destructive when faced with an unfulfilling life. And the easy answer is to HELP MYSELF.
But that's the point...

I only feel bad because i'm not helping anyone BUT myself by working here.

Even then, the people that work out here don't need my help.
Nobody I know needs my help.
Nobody needs me, period. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAnd that sucks.

So naturally, I take out this frustration on friends and family.
I'm sick of getting into quibbles.
I'm sick of yelling so much.
I feel like the volume is turned up too high.

I can't keep walking in this direction
maybe I should just spin around and start running in another one

Alone (again(still(always)))

I figured out this whole thing i've got going on here. Well... at least some of it.

I DRINK A LOT.
I SMOKE A LOT.
I STAY UP LATE.
I PLAY VIDEOGAMES.
I AM ONLINE ALL THE TIME.
I AM VERY LONELY.
I NEED TO GET LAID.

That would be what I've got going on. Yeah, it's pathetic. I can admit that it's pathetic but not alter it in order to be successfully -not- pathetic. And no, I'm not saying it's pathetic in a social, financial, physical way or anything. I, personally, think that Evan Campbell Watters is pathetic. I want more out of him. I think he can do better. Evan Watters can do better.

But changing it is hard. Change is always hard but it's necessary. If nothing ever changed, then you could make the assumption that the saying "nothing lasts forever" is BULLSHIT. Things will always change.

My point in writing this down stems from working at the gym tonight. An old man came in at a quarter til closing time and just sat on the bike by himself. He was wearing pants, a vest, and his yammuka. (i don't know how to spell it and this is a rushed post - the jewish skull cap) He watched the cards game on his little tv and stayed late. At 20 after 9 i walked over to him and he started making motions to the door. I mentioned last night's Cardinals game against Colorado and he agreed that the umpire was making atrocious calls. He jumped off the bike and talked to me for a bit before i started putting away equipment. On his slow, old man walk out the door, he started a few conversation topics but then left them alone. Like he was shining a flashlight into darkness calling someone's name. I was mildly busy, but couldn't keep up with him.

It was obvious to me that all he was looking for was a little company. He was lonely.

It then struck me to my lonely nights and how they have been so numerous recently.
It also struck me that I had the power to solve his need of company/conversation. I could have chatted with him, asked him about his job/family/hobbies/how long he's been a member/how he heard about this gym/why it's been 87 days since his last checkin(i know this stat because the computer tells me). I could have solved his lonliness, if only just for a few minutes.



I'm that guy. I get lonely at night, but then again, I think everybody does. I want to be around people. I get sad when i'm at work and, as steff pointed out, that's probably because i'm sitting at a desk ALONE. I'm by myself instead of around other people which is probably why i don't like this job a lot of the time. Smalltalk with members is annoying - they always ask the same questions and have the same things to say no matter what topic i bring up. I could mention that i watch hentai and they'd still ask me how diving is going even though i'm retired and then they remember that i said i was coaching then i tell them that was over 2 months ago then they feel like a jackass and walk away. I'm not being an asshole. I'm very courteous and friendly and smiley but they just think of me as the dude at the desk. I don't leave this desk in their eyes.

Anyway, I like to drink and smoke because I think it distracts me from the fact that i'm alone at night the most. Nighttime is the right time to be alone, it's just natural to want to feel comforted by the community of friends and family after the sun goes down. You want to feel safe when it's dark. It's natural. I miss feeling comfortable with someone at night. Someone who won't mind staying up late watching cartoons with me if i'm not tired. Someone who likes to sleep naked. Someone who considers a good nightcap to be a farting contest. Someone who wakes up in the mood for sex, not before bed. Someone to share night time with me in bed. I don't think i've grown accustomed to it by having one girlfriend or another - I view it as totally natural.

Girls fart.
Girls get horny.
Girls watch cartoons.

if you are in the st louis area and can meet all 3 criteria, for the love of god please laugh at poop jokes with me over a cup of coffee. 573-999-7422

Australia doesn't have what I'm looking for, that's not why I'm going.
I'm going because I want to change my life and am failing at choosing how.